Bringing you honest reviews of recent releases
Jason Statham – Jonas Taylor
Li Bingbing – Suyin Zhang
Rainn Wilson – Jack
Winston Chao – Dr. Minway Zhang
Ruby Rose – Jaxx Herd
Cliff Curtis – James
Page Kennedy – DJ
Oh fab. I was just drafting a line for this review, and typed The Meh in error. And yet this mishap couldn’t be more apt. The lack of appearances from the titular beast in this movie is immense. Never have I sat through a shark or sea creature feature and wondered when the enemy would show up to cause havoc. In fact I just assumed the entire thing I was sat watching was a research story focused largely on the relationships between certain characters. As The Meg droned on in watery but arse-aching fashion I was ready to get out and dry off. I can’t lie, I was bored shitless. This wasn’t what I expected at all.
Statham is a beacon of familiarity in this movie. The man stands out like a sore thumb (almost literally – his little bald head kind of looks like a thumb) amongst a group of actors I bet most viewers won’t even recognise. There is one (Rose) who I only recognised because she was a cameo in Pitch Perfect 3. Other than her I didn’t have a fucking clue who the rest of them were, total randoms. So having our Hollywood hard man at the helm of such a shabby production was both a relief – and a pity (for his career). He is everything you’d expect though, charging around the set offering a (not big enough) serving of meaty muscle and doing not much else to form a character different to what he has played in other movies. Still, some viewers will probably warm to him immediately due to being ‘the only one I know’ if wondering what the casting is like.
The Meg seems to slow down as it progresses. In a total contradiction of running style, it brings in Statham’s character and sends him to the Mana One base where he begins his mission. But the excitement stops there as though the filming crew left their cameras circling the base on a train set or something. The focus shifts from Jonas’s arrival to activities within the research labs, and even the sneaky antics of a small female child whose mother (Suyin) works there. Viewers get to watch as she indulges in a spot of playtime in different areas of Mana One, and, in her sweetly bashful way try to set the new guy up with her mother. The mother may be a bit lonely and need romance in her life again..
I felt ready to leave the cinema when the Megalodon finally made its appearance. As shown in the trailer the gigantic fish approaches the base, peering through the glass as the small child is brought to a standstill in total shock. One headbutt later and it buggers off back into the ocean, leaving a lengthy period between this and its next appearance.
The lack of shark attack is appalling; if you put this movie on because you’re a die-hard fan of such a genre – be warned – the excitement dies out quickly.
There are a few moments in this movie where the Megalodon jumps some unsuspecting human prey.
Hooray. I thought the moment of naive lilo floaters meeting their grisly end would never come, but in all jaw-snapping glory the beast rises and feeds..
These scenes are worth watching the movie for, albeit there are only a few and just seconds long. Still, you get what you need to stick a cork in the bottle of shite that is the overall production. Yes indeed, the Megalodon surfaces and wreaks havoc. And these moments are much-needed relief.
The Meg is absolutely appalling, in terms of direction and enemy action. It is a shabby movie where the producers somehow thought it most entertaining to cough up a story which centres around the lead characters’ backgrounds and current career positions, rather than reel in the goods the viewer is waiting for. For the first 45 – 50 minutes you’re better off folding the laundry or cooking dinner; because it is tedious and even household chores may seem more appealing than watching the opening of The Meg.
If you have any taste in film whatsoever you’ll avoid this one. But then saying that, my experience in cinema to date proves we all have different tastes and opinions.
Heck, maybe this little website of mine should be a diary instead of reviews!