Pompeii

Milo is a slave-turned-gladiator who finds himself imprisoned in Pompeii with other slaves.
One day his eyes meet those of beautiful young Cassia; the daughter of a wealthy merchant who has been betrothed to a dangerous Roman Senator against her will.
Milo and Cassia instantly fall for each other, but something is about to come between them..

Mount Vesuvius has erupted.
And as lava pours, tempers flare.
As ash rains, a chase begins.
As Pompeii begins to fall, lives are torn apart..

Milo has a race against time to save his love before the city is destroyed – but can the couple change their futures at the same time as saving their lives?
When the volcano erupts, every second will make a difference…

 

 

Cast

Kit Harington – Milo

Emily Browning – Cassia

Kiefer Sutherland – Corvus

Jared Harris – Severus

Carrie-Anne Moss – Aurelia

Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje – Atticus

Jessica Lucas – Ariadne

 

 

That was bloody AWFUL.

 

 

 

Deep Impact Meets Titanic

My first observation of Pompeii was the atmosphere.
Imagine chucking a copy of Titanic and Deep Impact into a blender and bingo – out pops Pompeii.
The tacky ‘love at first glance’ storyline which sees the lust of two youngens thwarted by a considerably older gentleman mirrored that of Titanic.

Volcano erupting – boat sinking.

Cassia jumping on a horse to save Milo – Rose running back to save Jack.

A doomed relationship – a doomed relationship.

Main characters running about trying to take care of business, despite the shit going down around them – ditto here.

Oh, and of course – plummeting chunks of rock.. reminded me of the asteroid scene in Deep Impact.

 

As a reviewer, I make it my job to embrace each individual movie and base the result on its own merits.
With that in mind, I found it almost impossible to find anything likeable about Pompeii and in actual fact, thought the creation of this very short feature an insult to the memory of the real thing.

 

 

You Can Hurry Love

The background feature here is Mount Vesuvius building up to a terrifying explosion, but the main plot is the relationship between Cassia and Milo. With one flaw – everything happens instantly with no build-up, and is over before you think the movie had just got going. It’s completely mad, the pace at which it all happens.

Milo is led into Pompeii by guards with a handful of other slaves, when an event leads Cassia into his path – eyes meet – eyes meet again a bit later – and bingo.. the two of them are galloping off into the darkness on horseback.

Their love happens immediately with absolutely no tension or build-up. Suddenly – they’re (non-physical) lovers.
And then the volcano kicks off, sending Milo into a “but I have to rescue Cassia!” frenzy. That’s your lot, folks – that’s all you’re getting. Because it’s time for the eruption..

Special Effects & Graphics

To be honest, I cannot faut the graphics – they were sharp, bright and very colourful – the lava being the main focus point.
During this very short movie, the camera pans back on Vesuvuis a few times and you get to see the beast churning into life as it spits and bubbles lava, getting ready to pop.
When it does, the effects are great. Jets of black smoke flying in all directions which send chunks of molten rock and lava smashing into the city below.
And the lava was rather spectacular also; tumbling down the volcano toward the residents, leaving them nowhere to run.

At one point, the ocean becomes a sudden tidal-wave and surges through Pompeii – a scene I found myself tutting at due to its ‘recycled Day After Tomorrow’ copycat style (I.E. gargantuan waves curl upwards as they engulf a famous statue before flooding the entire city, filling out every road and open space).

The whole ash effect was fine – watching Pompeii in 3D, I enjoyed the way it flickered out of the screen towards the audience – but unfortunately – this was the only 3D effect in the movie. The fluffy stuff coated the characters like snow, which gave a calm yet deadly atmosphere.

And at one point, I was staring at the screen thinking, ‘OK, there’s the lava – NO – that’s the ash – THERE’S the lava..’
KEEP YOUR EYES PEELED PEOPLE – THE ERUPTION FLOWS FASTER THAN PREMATURE EJACULATION. BLINK AND YOU’LL MISS IT.

The special effects and graphics were briliant, I enjoyed them.
But did the director rinse his budget completely on wow-ing the audience with a cinematic fireworks display, which resulted in the rest of this movie being bloody shocking and half the length it should’ve been?..

 

 

Cut Short

I couldn’t believe how quickly this movie was over!
Literally – Vesuvius blows up and then we’re done.

Producing a movie which centres around such a historic event is going to be limited, I get that. I mean we all know – or most of us know – what to expect, what is about to happen (CLUE: big volcano. Bang), so it is only a matter of time before the main action kicks off. But quite literally, what we get here is the eruption, the fall of the city, and then the credits begin rolling.

Pompeii reminded me of a bunch of university students putting on a presentation of their studies of the events which took place, complete with a six or seven-minute stage performance of ‘The Moment It Happens’.
Trust me I’ve been there, done that – the classic:
“the Romans wore very elborate clothing such as THIS..”
“masks and robes made from precious gold were used by the guards to announce the arrival of..”
“Roman men took part in battles in packed ampitheatres”
Etc.
They then finish off with a group-devised performance which is basically a handful of people running through a street whilst pillars topple around them.

This movie was literally as if the volcano erupted, and the director immediately yelled, “THAT’S A WRAP FOLKS! LET’S GET OUTTA HERE”.
I could sense a slack attitude (production-wise) as Pompeii hurried itself to an end.
102 minutes felt like 40.

 

 

Well Done, Keifer

The only actor to add some form of talent to the movie was Mr. Sutherland.
The second he opened his mouth to deliver his first line, I gasped – he was British; but not just British – very posh British.
He has been full-blown American in anything I’ve seen him in, so having Keifer strut around with a “ooh, I say” accent was brilliant. It added a nice dynamic to the movie, having him bring a character to the screen so different from what he’s done before.

Nice one, Keifer.

 

 

Dust

Throughout the movie, certain things happen which point toward the volcano; I.E. dust pouring through the ceiling, scary earthquakes (which the naive residents are happy to pass off as ‘God farting’), etc. Thankfully, these moments are a relief – a break from the dull dialogue or action being displayed on screen.
It is good, shaking the movie up – literally – with teasers as to what is about to happen.

..actually, at one stage the rumbling reminded me of the London Underground; a few characters are under ground looking up at the dust falling down, and I suddenly thought to myself, “Christ. Sounds like when I’m stood waiting for the 14:18 Liverpool Street to Victoria”.

At least there was something to relate to in the movie.

 

 

Ridiculous

There were a few moments during Pompeii where I rolled my eyes, so heartily that they almost completely rotated in my head.
One such moment stands out:

Milo on horseback, is racing through the crumbling city towards Cassia. But all of a sudden – BANG. A massive fireball makes its touchdown – on top of him.
Oh. Goodbye Mi –

..he comes galloping out of the smoke.

Fucking ridiculous.

Shortly after this ‘would never happen’ happened, I questioned the director’s intent; was Pompeii actually supposed to be a spoof?
Did Paul W.S. Anderson have Meet The Spartans in mind as he created it?

 

 

Overall, Pompeii is completely pointless.
It is an insult to the actual historic event, with a script and story so brief that they bring the movie to a very abrupt ending.
I cannot emphasise enough how irrelevant the story is; a love story between two characters which is more of a sketch than a feature-length movie – this is where the director failed.

I geared myself up for an epic, eventful story whilst Mount Vesuvius erupts – I got the complete opposite.
I’ve honestly had more fun putting my knickers on.
If you’re wanting action and adventure, you’d best stay at home. Just rent Pompeii when it is released.
I wouldn’t sit through this shit again even if Ryan Reynolds offered me oral sex to do so.
It is just AWFUL.

Oh, and brace yourselves for the amazingly tacky ending as Milo and Cassia stand kissing (yes – kissing) in front of the spewing volcano.
..nearly spewed myself.

Third worst movie I’ve seen this year.

 

0/10