The Legend Of Hercules

 

 

 

The origin story of the the mythical Greek hero. Betrayed by his stepfather, the King, and exiled and sold into slavery because of a forbidden love, Hercules must use his formidable powers to fight his way back to his rightful kingdom.

 

 

 

 

 

Cast

Kellan Lutz – Hercules

Gaia Weiss – Hebe

Scot Adkins – King Amphitryon

Roxanne McKee – Queen Alcmene

Liam Garrigan – Iphicles

Liam McIntyre – Sotiris

Luke Newberry – Agamemnon

Rade Serbedzija – Chiron

 

 

At War – With Itself

If anyone approached me and asked what The Legend Of Hercules is like, I would immediately answer: “awful”.

This movie definitely made it onto my ‘Best Shit Movie’ list. It was just awful, insufferable from beginning to end. And what made it so bad was its lack of dynamics – it seemed to just happen. No gripping bits, no stand-out bits, nothing memorable. The Legend Of Hercules was like one of those boring war films you’d have the misfortune to catch on TV late one night. Drab, dreary and lacking any form of substance to keep you hooked, it seemed to flow through its screen time whilst having absolutely no effect on the audience.

Even during 300: Rise Of An Empire there were reactions coming from the audience members, be it laughter or surprise. During this movie everyone remained silent. But dialogue aside, there was also the small issue of the cast…

 

 

Aussies Breaking Through

One thing I picked up on immediately were the actresses voices. I couldn’t fathom where the fuck they were supposed to be from. The men were all fine, no problem – but the two main women (Weiss and McKee) seemed to portray their desperate characters in a way that looked like they were taking the piss. Why?.. because they kept jumping in and out of an Australian accent.

Without researching into the backgrounds of the actresses (because I honestly couldn’t give a shit), I assume they are both Australian. At one point, Hercules’ and his beau are wading through a lake together being all sexy, and he grabs her to kiss her. When she opened her mouth to speak, I frowned.. the well-spoken young lady suddenly became a ‘Sydney Surfer’. I was a bit baffled as she shifted between natural English and Aussie.

But then the other lead female sounded simliar – quite literally, their portrayal of their characters was laughable. This was almost like one of those Meet The Spartans style movies; made to take the piss out of these kinds of movie.

 

 

Graphics & Special Effects

The opening of the movie was actually not bad. The camera pans out across the land, then starts to hurtle forward through buildings, fire, etc. When it slows, it starts to pan down over a little city where a battle is about to take place. I liked this bit – there’s nothing quite like a slick bit of camerawork, and this was great; similiar to a simulator in the sense that us audience were being flown through the city as though looking through the window of an air vessel.

CGI wise, The Legend Of Hercules wasn’t overly enthusiastic. For example, the scene where our main man and another character scale a mountain and come face to whisker with a lion was a bit tacky; the animal pounces toward them – jumping from one boulder to another as it makes its way down.

..it was the most ‘obviously animated’ thing I’ve seen in cinema – it looked incredibly fake. Yes, I’m aware this is fiction, but even Life Of Pi managed to deliver a tiger made of such effects that it looked very lifelike. Another scene sees a group of warriors rowing a boat across the ocean; again lacking CGI. Because the ocean was all nice and sparkly – its just the oars that looked massively out of place – basically wooden sticks flashing in and out of the frame.

The Legend Of Hercules didn’t quite cut it with its special effects.

 

 

I Don’t Care, I Really Don’t Care

Some (not all) of the acting in this movie was just AWFUL.
Like watching an A-Level performance displayed by a bunch of college kids, some of the actors were over the top, shabby and lacking talent. So much so, that I honestly didn’t care what happened – or to whom. Two scenes stand out for me:

The scene where Hercules’ mother is stabbed by a nasty man. But instead of waiting for the knife to come into contact with her skin, she screams in pain before it even reaches her.

I cringed.

Another scene is where the princess jumps off a cliff ledge into a raging stream, Hercules going after her; and it was practically her dipping a toe in the water, it was the most uneventful thing in the movie. She jumps casually into the water, then sort of half-bobs, half-swims downstream. No screaming, shouting for help. No acting at all. It was as if the actress was allowed a swim-break which was accidentally filmed, then put in the movie.

Just awful.

Again, most of the acting in this movie was like watching over-enthused college kids trying their best at shaking as they speak, shouting the most important lines, and hoping to be seen in the important scenes.
The whole thing was a piss-take.

 

Kellan Lutz

I’ve not heard of the bloke before, but recently found out he’s Emmett Cullen in the Twilight movies.
He’s actually not bad in The Legend Of Hercules; his face does all the work, displaying such genuine emotion – he plays the character faultlessly. He is actually the best actor amongst them all in this movie. His stern, moody looks come across very sexual at points but otherwise his acting talent seems to flow constantly and naturally.

Oh, and his body – fuck me, it is beautiful. Large, sumptuous pectorals with nice sized nipples, gorgeous muscle tone, and chunky hips. He’s waxed all over of course like most other Spartan-style movies, but this cleans him up and makes his wet body look even smoother.

I would.

 

What Went Right

Kellan Lutz’s acting and body. And the opening scene camerawork.
Literally, that was all that went right.

 

 

 

 

Overall, The Legend Of Hercules is fucking AWFUL.
I wouldn’t sit through it again if you paid me to do so – it is that tedious, that boring.
All the other warrior movies released over the last decade or so made this one look pathetic, almost a spoof of movies of the same genre.
There was absolutely no point of this movie being made, let alone thought of.
Shabby acting, boring plot and painful to sit through.
It is completely irrelevant.

Avoid this movie if you can.

 

 

 

0/10