Bringing you honest reviews of recent releases
Josephine Langford – Tessa Young
Hero Fiennes Tiffin – Hardin Scott
Louise Lombard – Trish
Dylan Sprouse – Trevor
Candice King – Kimberly
Charlie Weber – Christian
After We Collided is a message to young people everywhere. It’s a crucial piece of advice for those new to a romantic relationship:
It doesn’t matter how aggressive or unstable your boyfriend is, if he’s hot and great at sex, stay with him. Does he do drugs? Does he turn over local shops or even rob banks? Frequently get involved in violent brawls? Or perhaps enjoys the odd hit and run. It doesn’t matter in the slightest – just as long as he knows how to please you in the bedroom.
Yes. I’m being sarcastic.
After We Collided is possibly THE WORST example to set for adolescents everywhere. Its moral compass is actually missing the dial as it examines how desperate a young female can be when it comes to being wanted. The entire movie is basically soft porn. A Fifty Shades of Grey for kids.
The only good element of this movie is its examination of the human feeling of having to ‘release’ frequently. The constant yearning to be touched, to fuck all the insecurity and discontent out of her as though intercourse is the only way to do it (similar to Michael Fassbender’s character in Shame, 2011). And yet – this isn’t even the story! It’s the only way I can describe the sickening crap unfolding on screen over the course of 106 minutes.
In addition to her apparent sex addiction, the lead female is also fucking stupid when it comes to being presented with a potential love interest. She’s oblivious to the advances of other – decent – men and continues to gush over the one who is clearly no good for her. It makes a genuinely tiresome watch. The rest is just bullet points because I have no interest in giving this movie the time it doesn’t deserve:
It’s clear to see where Hardin got his vulgar traits, when his mother Trish (Lombard) turns up in one scene. One of her first comments as she sizes Tessa up is how she was concerned that the young woman may have ‘had her bean pierced’.
..even I sat there with my mouth open, and I’ve watched a lot of adult films (or 9-minute clips, depending which website). For a mother to come out with that was repulsive, unnecessary, and above all – just not funny. There was no reaction from cinema audience either, just a quick face-palm moment from my seat.
Shouting, screaming expletives, and throwing things across the room seemed to be the director’s key to success here. Every other scene is him screaming at her – or her screaming at him. (think Fifty Shades of Grey – but Christian and Anastasia have an argument whilst on crack). It’s irritatingly loud, and brought me nowhere closer to liking either character. Doubly irritating is the fact they’re both so young, and this is clearly one relationship in a very long line that will soon be a distant memory. Why waste all that energy?
After We Collided is a pathetic piece of film. I don’t care if it’s based on a book, you don’t subject audiences to such vulgar language and sexually frustrated behaviour for 106 minutes – for the fun of it. Especially if it’s carrying the message I mentioned above (and all ‘in the name of love’, apparently).
What makes this worse is the lead characters are both well under 25 with very little real life experience, have barely lived yet, but they both act as though they are the only two single people on planet Earth.
Tessa and Hardin are so sleazy and emotionally unhinged that it’s genuinely irritating to watch. And what this movie was genuinely missing was a respectable parent figure to give them both a slap (or a real hard punch in the face), and tell them to stop being so fucking stupid.
This movie is like Romeo & Juliet – except there is no tragedy and any pain experienced by either character comes from their own doing. It’s as though they create a deep anguish solely by themselves just for the fun of reaching the highest level of melodrama. This then creates an undercurrent of immaturity beyond unbearable.
I’ll be frank:
For fuck sake avoid this film at all costs. For the younger generation it’s a horrific, inaccurate message for girls who are new to a relationship. And a perfect ‘How Not To Be’ for guys. It is a sleazy waste of screen time, made up of unlikeable characters and insufferable story.
And although it tries to slick and appealing to younger viewers, it honestly just comes across as though someone accidentally recorded over a (bad) film with a porno.