Bringing you honest reviews of recent releases
Hera Hilmar – Hester Shaw
Robert Sheehan – Tom Natsworthy
Hugo Weaving – Thaddeus Valentine
Jihae – Anna Fang
Leila George – Katherine Valentine
Ronan Raftery – Bevis Pod
December 26th, 2018. Boxing Day across the world. The aftermath of Christmas when all of your gifts have been given, and opened. That warming time when you’ve spent so much time with the family they start to do your tits in – but you made an effort this year. The day your local town re-opens and clothing outlets become sales carnage with shoppers briskly raking through piles of jeans, and shirts.
And certain cinemas open their doors to the rest of us bored-shitless public who need to escape the Only Fools and Horses Christmas special we’ve had to endure for the last twenty-three or so years.
The latter is myself, so I headed down to Crawley Cineworld and grabbed a ticket for Mortal Engines. It wasn’t my first choice of film, but there wasn’t a hell of a lot out. I also grabbed a vente latte from Starbucks (extra hot, obvs) and one of their yummy mince pies. I was all set. And trying to read a text from a friend through the rosiest possible tinted glasses (below), I shuffled into screen 4 and took my seat.
I have to say, Starbucks might be tax dodgers but by god they know how to produce a mince pie. A delectably soft, squidgy outer casing conceals a glob of the minciest mince I’ve ever tasted. It’s packed full of juicy sultanas and spices which make it a tangy pleasure morning or evening. This filling is deep too, meaning you get a decent few mouthfuls before screwing up the foil case in completion (and wishing your fingers weren’t so sticky). And I haven’t even got to the lid yet.. the baked pastry topping emblazoned with the symbol of a star and lightly dusted with icing sugar.
And to think I generally detest mince pies. I will eat only Starbucks ones. Strange.
..sitting there scooping the filling out with my finger and slowly sucking it off, I wondered if I should go get another one. Then I glanced up at the screen. Was she still moaning, this lead character?
That’s right people, Mortal Engines is such a tediously uneventful piece of crap that I had my eyes on mince pies – not on the cinema screen. Pondering what change I had in my wallet or if I should use card to pop out and buy one took priority over this film I had come to see. Which is not what the cinema experience should be, especially when the theme is post-apocalyptic. Such features should be intriguing. Excite the viewer with scenes of anticipation. Should not be boring, basically. But this is something else, the entertainment being in the form of an extremely bland looking female (Shaw) who spends the movie insulting people, whinging and putting a firm barrier up between her and those she comes into contact with. That’s right – she’s one of those characters whose emotions have dried up as much as her vagina over the past few years. Don’t touch her. Don’t speak to her. But she still has the right to treat others like a dick. Christ alive, it’s an insufferable display of heroism.
And on the note of vaginas, I’ll leave it there.
Sorry people, Mortal Engines doesn’t deserve any more of my time. Although I think you know what my main piece of advice is. The visuals aren’t bad but the appeal ends there.