Bringing you honest reviews of recent releases
Taissa Farmiga – Sister Irene
Demián Bichir – Father Burke
Jonas Bloquet – Maurice
Bonnie Aarons – Valak / The Nun
Ingrid Bisu – Sister Oana
Jonny Coyne – Gregoro
Ever anticipated the release of a film – and realised you needn’t have bothered?
Ever looked forward to a good scare – and been left deflated?
Ever felt nothing but disappointment at how a film turned out?
Welcome to The Nun. An utter waste of time if you enjoyed not just the Conjuring films – but any other horrors released in the past. This is one of those productions that is described as a horror, but the biggest fright you got was realising your coffee cup was empty halfway through. The Nun starts off with a creepy feel to it, a murky setting used by the lead young nun character who kicks off the story. It gradually introduces other characters who then carry the story forward..
..and then the story becomes dull. But I’m not talking dull as dishwater, I’m talking so dull my balls felt like they were turning to stone as I sat wincing at the cinema screen, arms folded. What the trailer made look like a nerve-shredding horror filled with jumps was actually a tedious story lacking in horror so badly that it was almost fading into its own misty background. Characters walking around church buildings. Gloomy forests. Uninteresting conversations between certain people..
This was almost unbearable. And similar to The Meg I had watched a short time ago before The Nun where I spent most of the movie wondering where the shark was..
That’s right. This is another cinematic masterpiece (sarcasm) whereby the titular enemy seems to have fucked off for a cigarette break and got lost on the way back to the set. Except The Meg, obviously. Sharks don’t smoke. Although you do get smoked haddock (boom).
In all seriousness though, the absence of the pale-faced nun was disappointing. Unless the producers wanted to be clever and the title of this movie meant ‘the young nun’ (Sister Irene), not the evil nun. This honestly felt like a rip-off of a movie; created to suck the viewer in on the pretence that the sinister holy figure in that painting would taunt them with some nasty scares – but failing to deliver the goods. Not good at all.
If any of you are expecting to be scared out of your wits during a thriller of a movie – don’t. This is far, far from what I expected and I can only imagine what other horror fans’ reactions were..
In the words of Catherine Tate, “what a fucking liberty”.