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Jamie Dornan – Christian Grey
Dakota Johnson – Anastasia Grey
Eric Johnson – Jack Hyde
Eloise Mumford – Katherine
Rita Ora – Mia
Luke Grimes – Elliot Grey
This instalment of the Fifty Shades franchise sees the fictional fanny-strappers adapting to married life, so the intensity that builded in the first two movies is somewhat diluted. This time round we see Anastasia and Christian going about daily life as their careers become more of a focus than the saucy antics people know the book / movie to be centered around. In fact, Fifty Shades Freed is a bit like watching a standard American flick about a couple who are experiencing marital issues – with a bit of naughty stuff thrown in. But that said, the naughty ‘stuff’ is quite graphic..
A scene set in the middle of the night sees Anastasia enter the kitchen and retrieve a tub of (what looks like) Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. Christian then enters. And suddenly you have a royal fuckfest on your hands as she smears the ice cream on him, before performing oral sex. Ironically this is one hell of a hot scene as we see the woman graphically going to town on the millionaire, and it gets even hotter once he gets her on the table..
Thing is though, once these scenes are over the movie returns to normal – I.E. Anastasia faffing about in her office and socialising with friends, colleagues. It might aswell be an episode of Hollyoaks it’s that bland. Added to this is a darker underlying story involving the boss lf the company the leading lady worked at previously (more soap opera-style stuff), and then her announcement that she is pregnant (soap opera at its best). Which results in Christian flying off the handle with rage at how the baby could ruin the couple’s life (well, I’ve never seen that in soap operas before!). Yes indeed, the Fifty Shades franchise just became fifty-fifty as director James Foley does what he can to remain loyal to the books of E.L. James but ulmtimately creates a standard, largely mundane film which contains about as much excitement as Boris Johnson’s underpants.
What can I say? Fifty Shades Freed is a simple movie about a couple who like to participate in S&M activities in the bedroom-dungeon. But that’s about it and the appeal ends there. Ora makes an appearance as Christian’s sister Mia which does boost the movie’s dynamic slightly, having a popular singer part of the cast and it’s good to see her stick on her acting shoes and join the others. But other than this Fifty Shades Freed is just a load of old crap, a book-to-screen feat which tries to be sexy but with one massive flaw – everyone (or those who have read the books anyway) knows what is coming and how it will end. They’ve already read it in the books, so what more is there to surprise the familiar audience with?
If you’re feeling frisky one night and need a bit of eye candy, then pop this on. Dornan’s a bit of alright. But trust me, you’re not really in for an exhilarating time. The script is plain as arse. The sex is sporadic. There is hardly any humour. And excitement seems to have been forgotten about. Fifty Shades Freed ultimately becomes less of a film, more of a familiarity. Something many people will sit in front of and know exactly what to expect, being self-briefed on every aspect of it. Die-hard fans will get their share. Those vaguely familiar with the franchise will know what is coming..
Bore off Universal Pictures, you’re not impressing anybody. Hence the whopping rating of 13% on Rotten Tomatoes. Need I say more? Christ, I wouldn’t even if you paid me.
End of review.