Bringing you honest reviews of recent releases
Ross Lynch – Kyle
Olivia Holt – Dani
I don’t think I have ever seen such a terrible, TERRIBLE movie. A movie which is so terrible it fails in every aspect; story and plot. Actors. Entertaining or engaging characters. Moments of comedy. Moments of drama. Feasible activity. And above all – relevance. A movie which is so void of reasoning that it should never have even made it through the doors of the Voltage Pictures authorising office, let alone into cinemas.
Status Update is an idea too far, combining immaturity with selfishness and creating the final product: a portrayal of just how full of greed kids can be. For example, what’s the first thing Kyle wishes he had?.. a car. Then he wants popularity. Then he wants the hottest girl in the school. And then comes the craving which saw one of the most poorly acted scenes I have ever witnessed in cinema..
Kyle wants the perfect singing voice so that he can impress the school music teacher. Up he gets on stage, opens his mouth, and out come the vocals of a female opera singer. Gender confusion aside, it was worse than cringeworthy as the soundtrack boomed loudly over the top of Lynch’s shabby performance. The actor’s mouth was disastrously out of synch with the singing; for example – him mouthing “ahh-meee!” as the music went, “for-looord!”..
I literally could not believe what I was watching, this was beyond eye-rolling. Worse than embarrassing. Almost insulting to the viewer.
But ideal for kids. Yes, Status Update would be perfectly suited to Nickelodeon or the Disney Channel I think. Its tinny atmosphere comprised of squeaky-clean teen actors dressed like hipsters, lack of genuine acting talent and High School Musical style all contribute to a complete (‘scuse me language) fuck-up of a film. This is something I would urge anyone and everyone to avoid if they can help it, leave it to the under-8’s.
But even then an 8-year-old probably has a better understanding of entertainment.
Status Update is a movie idea gone too far. I’ve no idea who sat there behind his or her desk in the office at Voltage Pictures and Vertical Entertainment and thought, “fantastic. Just fantastic, this will inspire viewers worldwide”, but Jesus I’d like to meet them.
A. to give them a slap.
B. to request they commission a movie about various weird ideas I come up with – just because I know they would.
Netflix has developed a global virus and shut down.
There are no such things as televisions anymore.
You are locked in your lounge with no access to a mobile phone, radio, computer or any other form of entertainment.
You are the last remaining human on Earth..
These examples above are of when it is even the tiniest bit acceptable to watch Status Update. Because this is definitely one of the worst things Hollywood has ever coughed up. But is it watchable?..
..sadly, yes. For what it lacks in absolutely every area and all elements of what makes a movie, Status Update is a feature you can stick on and let run without giving a shit about who’s who and what’s going on. Just don’t pay for it. Or you’ll pay for it.