Baywatch

Devoted lifeguard Mitch Buchannon butts heads with a brash new recruit, as they uncover a criminal plot that threatens the future of the bay.

Cast

Dwayne Johnson – Mitch Buchannon

Alexandra Daddario – Summer Quinn

Zac Efron – Matt Brody

Kelly Rohrbach – C.J. Parker

Jon Bass – Ronnie

Priyanka Chopra – Victoria Leeds

Ilfenesh Hadera – Stephanie Holden

 

Bitchwatch

My god. Literally every cast member in this movie is fit. Ripped. Spunky. Sexy. Super hot. Except one.

Apart from him.

What Went Right

I was actually very surprised by the humour in this movie. I naturally assumed such a production would be dire; and yet in reverse the script produces quite a few giggles.
I found myself laughing heartily at some lines dropped by Johnson, his comedy timed perfectly alongside Efron. Potato-headed wrestlers aren’t usually my thing but he was doing so well. And the script was clearly penned by someone who knew exactly what they were doing; some of the dialogue reminded me of cracking comedies such as Spy. One of those movies where certain conversations had are saturated with such sarcasm that the meaning behind them hits home and becomes honestly observant of everyday life. Now that’s the type of humour you want from a comedy, and it goes down great in Baywatch. I lapped it up, never thinking I’d be in for a treat like it. WIN.

Zac Efron:
The man is stupidly fit, isn’t he. Definitely worth a squirt from my point of view but even I found his beach bod almost unbearable to look at.
Bulging legs – bursting out of tight red shorts.
His torso – flawless.
His traps – glistening with sweat.
His arms – like two stonking great cannons.
And hanging from a climbing frame halfway through the movie, I felt as though my pelvic area was going to explode as I gritted my teeth.. the man was practically perfect. In every way.
Of course, most people would look at the man and think his body is disgusting. Even I think it’s a bit too much. But I still would.

Girls want him inside them.
Gay guys want to be inside him.
Straight guys also want to be inside him – but inside his skin (imagine the attention you’d get from looking like that).
Efron makes excellent eye candy in this movie.

The plot is easy to follow and is kept very light instead of stretching itself out into something tedious – which is what I anticipated, but was pleasantly surprised about. Baywatch also moves at good pace, with continuous cheeky humour. The movie is very watchable, like something to leave running in the background as you chill out on the sofa.
Yes – one to leave running in the background..

..should it be left there?

What Went Wrong

Baywatch is a one-time wonder I reckon. It doesn’t stem from elements of the 90’s TV show at all, other than sharing the same title and a few character profiles. This is a movie to ‘do and ditch’. In a sense, it was pointless producing such a film – let alone thinking it up.
And it has its negatives:

There are way too many fucks (not of the physical kind, unfortunately). Almost every other line contains the word ‘fuck’. “fuck this”, “fuck that”, “fucking thing”… sweary to the point of being tedious.
If you dislike copious swearing, you will be sorely fucked off.

One scene sees two kids endure an accident at sea. Poor things. Only thing is, their mother starts screaming even before the pair trip and plummet towards the water.
See if you can spot it.

When C.J. approaches Ronnie during a beach scene, the man clams up ridiculously. As in – pantomime ridiculously. The way Bass plays it just would not happen in real life, and it makes for a tedious watch. It was as though the movie reverted to animation for this scene – then back to normal. I was as speechless as Ronnie himself at the stupidity, really irritating stuff here.

One character (during conversation): “…modern day J Edgar Hoover”.
Matt (Efron) (after spouting a load of intelligent legal stuff): “..the vacuum guy?”.
Enough said. I was appalled.

Baywatch is just awful. But – it is saved by its style of humour, particularly during certain scenes. So as much as I hated it, I found it funny. Strange when that happens.
Pretend this never existed and you’ll be fine. Download it and you’re a fool (and will probably wish you had a virus too).

 

…oh okay, one more time:

Jeeeeeeeeeee…sus.