Bringing you honest reviews of recent releases
Rupert Friend – Agent 47
Hannah Ware – Katia van Dees, Agent 90
Zachary Quinto – John Smith
Ciarán Hinds – Dr. Litvenko
For once! A slick special agent who doesn’t tap the lead female!
Call me a prude, but it bores the shit out of me, watching the main man of various action movies (Spiderman, 007, Wolverine – even Themistocles had a pop at Artemisia in 300: Rise of an Empire) lay the leading lady. The pantomime-style ‘lovers’ theme still runs strong throughout the world of Hollywood, pairing together the obvious and the not-so-obvious couples to heat up the screen whether that pair clearly fancy each other or fucking despise each other. It’s inevitable; either the lead male buckles under a glass of vino and slides into the shower with the female (pistol in one hand, real pistol on the other), or the female – appearing strong, independent and in control of her body suddenly finds the fact they have nothing common to mean they have everything in common as she opens up..
Not with Agent 47.
Portrayed with an ice-cold personality by Rupert Friend, Agent 47 is a slick assassin with his eye firmly on the victim – not the vulva. He swaggers and jumps around the set like an agile performing monkey and the actor puts a lot of effort into it. I can’t fault Rupert (can’t say that name without thinking of Family Guy) and his effortless display, and I’m glad for once the male-female relationship was purely action. There is a scene late at night where Katia and 47 are together in a hotel room; he announces he is “going to sleep” and leaves. Leaving her glaring after him..
“..please don’t fuck the poor guy”, I thought. Not even out of envy, but just because her character would be living up to the same cliché crap we see in many action movies.
And she did not. The scene moved into the next, without physical interaction and continued. Top marks here for a strong female who can hold on to her juices and the masculine agent who would rather ‘get some kip’.
I won’t lie – Hitman: Agent 47 was absolute tripe from beginning to end, one of the worst action movies I have ever sat through. I think for a movie to grip the audience immediately it needs to start with a brilliant action sequence or plot. Unfortunately, this movie begins with a dull-looking woman sat at a table in a library, leafing through newspaper articles and other bits of research material. It offers absolutely nothing in terms of entertainment, and only gets worse.
So Friend does a great job of bringing the incredible hitman to life, but that doesn’t mean the actual structure of the movie is as good. On the contrary, Hitman: Agent 47 is similar to a boring hour-long drama you find on television on a Tuesday evening; the actors are unfamiliar, no one you know have heard of it, it hasn’t even been advertised. Ultimately, viewers have to endure a mid-thirties woman running through train stations with a duffel bag looking moody, as the mystery of the location of her father hangs over her – yet goes sorely unnoticed on screen. It really isn’t what the trailer or poster make it out to be. When I saw the trailer I thought it might be a good watch – when I spotted the poster in the cinema, the bold design and camera angle made it look exciting. Yet it was the complete opposite, and I honesty found myself getting cozy..
..arms folded at one point, I was squinting to try and keep my eyes open. I then glanced at my phone to check the time and started yawning. I was slightly cold in the auditorium too which didn’t help, as I snuggled to warm up..
I could have fallen asleep right there. And Hitman: Agent 47 was doing absolutely nothing entertaining to keep me awake.
It was painful. Tedious. And made me want to exit the cinema and go home..
Zachary Quinto (that dark guy from Heroes) and Rupert Friend are the only talent in the entire movie. Whereas the lead female (Ware) remains as effective as a full hoover bag and is very boring to watch, the two men put their all into it and deliver some fast-paced, slick fight scenes.
I literally have not got the enthusiasm to discuss this flop of a movie any longer. But my main advice is: if you want an exciting action movie with a gripping story that keeps you going throughout, DO NOT watch Hitman: Agent 47. Because you get the opposite.
This movie is less edge-of-your-seat, more edge-of-your-toilet seat.