Bringing you honest reviews of recent releases
In the far reaches of space, an American pilot named Peter Quill finds himself the object of a manhunt after stealing an orb coveted by the villainous Ronan.
Chris Pratt – Peter / Star-Lord
Zoe Saldana – Gamora
Dave Bautista – Drax
Vin Diesel – Groot
Bradley Cooper – Rocket
Lee Pace – Ronan
Michael Rooker – Yondu
Karen Gillan – Nebula
Glenn Close – Nova Prime
The first word that springs to mind whenever I think of Guardians of the Galaxy is ‘immaturity’ – and I’m not being harsh either. I’m being honest. This movie is made up solely of stupid jokes and failed one-liners that would make the most stern of audience cringe. At one point, I wasn’t sure which age range the movie was focused at – young school children with an eye for special effects and immature vocabulary, or young adults who relish a story swamped in sci-fi. This movie seemed to blend stupid with serious, resulting in a baffling story and characters I couldn’t care less about by the end.
I must say, at time of writing this review I have seen film critic Jason Solomons on BBC News ‘Film Review’ say how awful Guardians of the Galaxy is, and that he actually – I quote – “hated it”.
He mentioned how it’s just a load of “blowing things up” and that Vin Diesel is very wooden. I will actually dismiss this because it’s such an obvious fact – but I couldn’t agree more with him; this movie was terrible. Believe me, I’m trying to think of something good to say, an element to highlight which made the movie good in some way.
Come on Ricky, think. Think…
My first observation: Merle from The Walking Dead is in it. And he’s blue.
I recognised his southern American accent immediately. Yondu swaggers around wielding a vicious weapon that he controls just by whistling. Half-enemy half-friend to our main protagonist, he seems to be a right spanner in the works. I must say, Michael Rooker added nice dynamic to the movie – even though he still sports his southern American accent, ultimately coming across as Merle. Yes, he’s Merle again – what you see in The Walking Dead is what you see in Guardians of the Galaxy, only he has blue face paint on.
I spotted a pattern here:
Michael Rooker (Merle) in a new movie.
Sarah Wayne Callies (Lori) in a new movie.
Sarah Wayne Callies who plays Rick’s wife in The Walking Dead is in new hit Into The Storm released in cinemas soon. The cast of The Walking Dead are walking – so who will be next?..
I can’t fault the graphics in this movie. Diverse buildings and space vehicles, scenery made up of brilliant clarity.. it was all very watchable. The characters added probably the most colourful element of the movie but was like being hit by a car crash of Skittles; some were red. Green. Orange. Others were yellow. It was odd, and an obvious, “okay guys, this story is set in a futuristic galaxy, make ’em all different” endeavour by the director – unfortunately it was nothing I haven’t seen before in the movies / TV.
The structure of buildings – the outer space prison for example – were done very well. The clarity of the architecture was crystal clear, with the background of deep space. I was reminded of movie Elysium at one point; the classic ‘beautiful paradise contained within an invisible barrier’ type habitat.
Throughout this movie you get a nice eyeful of outer space, the surface of various planets and the living quarters of galactic accommodation – so if you’re into your sci-fi you won’t be disappointed. During one scene, a lead character exits her shuttle pod and is exposed to space – as she lays suspended in mid-air, her skin begins to change..
This scene involved some lovely graphics, followed by a scene where the band of unlikely heroes join together to perform a final act of honour. The colours and special effects are splendid; I disliked this movie but even I was won over.
The producers nailed costume and make-up. In fact I’m beginning to think Guardians of the Galaxy was so crap because all their efforts went into all these elements. Did they fuck the plot off and decide to wow the audience with dazzling colour?.. who knows. But like the graphics, the costumes were well done – and I actually fell in love with Peter’s jacket. Red leather and swish, my god I’d love to walk around London in that.
The humour in this movie was just shocking. Seriously, it was as though the cast were throwing random one-liner’s around for the hell of it. Improvisation seemed to be game of the day, ruled by Chris Pratt who seemed to enter the set, swagger around whilst flapping his coat and spouting random wisecracks at fellow cast. The humour used was so irrelevant and ineffective that I sat staring at the screen with no expression on my face as various characters (Rocket and Peter mainly) delivered eye-rolling tiresome lines.
I actually grew tedious of it all, to the point of vocalising my anguish. A scene towards the end of the movie made me literally cock my head, frown and mutter something like, “for fuck sake”. I literally began to feel pained by the crap I was watching on screen. I wanted out immediately.
And then of course, the scene where Peter comes face to face with his greatest enemy. The tension rises, the other characters around him begin to panic, the enemy raises his weapon..
..and Peter suddenly breaks into a pathetic dance.
That’s right – the escalating atmosphere is suddenly shattered by Chris Pratt. Being a prat. Like an excited little child throwing shapes with his body, he dances stupidly instead of remaining serious.
His enemy actually asks, “what ARE you doing?” which came a second after I myself thought, “what the fuck..?!”
It was cringeworthy and almost embarrassing to endure.
So you have been warned – the gags used in this movie are practically an insult to the world of comedy.
Have you ever been in a bar where a very drunk person sits spouting random crap, yelling out jokes at the top of his / her voice which are not actually funny – making everyone else in the bar stare wide-eyed, in silence?
Welcome to Guardians of the Galaxy.
Yes, that exact pity you felt for the cringey drunk person is the feeling I had towards this film.
Guardians of the Galaxy is horrific.
It is built on cheap humour, contains scenarios which are pointless, displays characters I couldn’t care less about.
The only plus side are the graphics, special effects and colours – these are the winnning elements.
Otherwise, this movie is tacky and you honestly couldn’t pay me to sit through it again.
I would strongly advise anyone to NOT PAY to see this. Wait for the rental. (and even then, forget to put it on your rental list).
Too much fanservice, not enough proper exposition for everyone else. The winks were to a very select few.
The movie should have gone 3 hours for all the side characters and plots thrown in as a nod to the 100k people or so who have actually read the comics. Everyone else was a little confused by 15 minutes and by the end my GF had more questions than answers.
If you have read the comics it was a much better movie than if you haven’t.
I agree completely. This movie is awful. What planet is the blue guy from: West Virginia? It is a lot like the Sid And Marty Krofft shows from long ago and I’m being nice about that one thing. But I don’t have to be high to enjoy “Sigmund And The Seamonster” or “The Lost Saucer” with Jim Nabers and Ruth Buzy (it helps) but I would have to be stoned off my ass to the point I couldn’t feel my feet to sit through “Guardians of The Galaxy” again. I think they hypnotized mouth-breathers into liking it by adding a 70’s soundtrack. They made it seem like there was something there to like when there isn’t just for the dunderheaded mouth-breathers who never heard the music before. People really are stupid as dogshit.