Ricky's Film Reviews

Bringing you honest reviews of recent releases

300: Rise Of An Empire

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Greek general Themistocles leads the charge against invading Persian forces led by mortal-turned-god Xerxes and Artemisia, vengeful commander of the Persian navy.

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Cast

Sullivan Stapleton – Themistocles

Eva Green – Artemisia

Rodrigo Santoro – King Xerxes

Lena Headey – Queen Gorgo

Hans Matheson – Aesyklos

Callan Mulvey – Scyllias

David Wenham – Dilios

 

Jack O’Connell – Calisto

Andrew Tiernan – Ephialtes

Yigal Naor – Darius

Andrew Pleavin – Daxos

Ben Turner – General Artaphernes

Ashraf Barhom – General Bandari

Christopher Sciueref – General Kashani

 

 

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Special Effects & Graphics

I couldn’t help noticing 300: Rise of an Empire wasn’t as visually stunning as 300. But nonetheless, the graphics were spot-on. Like some sort of sinister computer game, massive boats wiggle and rock on choppy seas and men crouch shooting arrows across the water. The armoury glistens in the silky moonlight – it really is like something from a dream sequence or computer game.

One of the main reasons I wanted to see this movie is because of how glossy 300 was; it was literally the only movie I’ve seen where the characters and scenery are displayed in an almost half-animated style. And this sequel brought back that style – only this time, something was different. Its not as animated as the first, giving it a slightly different feel. Like an old war film you catch on television.

Whenever the Spartans were onboard their ships and engaged in a fight with the Persians, I found the graphics impressive; although quite dark, the clarity was incredible.

Scenes involving the Aegean Ocean were beautiful. The massive full moon hanging in the sky, smoke rising from the water.. these elements created a mysterious, smoky atmosphere which totally added to the action on screen. And you get camera shots from under the water too – excellent use of CGI for the underwater creatures and the scenery change from the Spartans antics on land to being underwater was much needed, and added lovely visual dynamic.

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Parts of the movie felt like a dream. For example, the scene where the Spartans coax the Persians into a trap – and one of our hero warriors runs at full speed, then as he reaches the cliff edge suddenly breaks into slow motion.. then jumps into the air, slow motion as he falls all the way down and hits the Persian ship.. then snaps into real-time again, before slicing his way through his first lot of enemies. This scene was like being caught in a dream – the sort of dream where you try running, but somehow can’t move. And when you do, you find yourself running at a slow pace.

Whether or not the 300 movies are inspired by dreamlike sequences or not, they certainly resonate with this style.

Keep your eyes peeled during this movie, because there are some brilliant scenes you won’t want to miss. And these scenes are complimented by great special effects. One scene I enjoyed heartily was a fight – played out in slow motion, so that each chop resonated through the auditorium, every slice made the audience react with gasps (or rather, the girl sat next to me with her boyfriend) – it was a shocker. But a bloody great ride.

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Blood Is Thicker Than Water

If you’re at all squeamish about blood and gore, then you chose the right movie to sit through. Because you’re in for a proper treat..

I’m talking blood. Everywhere. For the whole movie.

From “aaand….ACTION!”, there is blood – and it continues throughout the movie with force. Because bodies are sliced perfectly in half, skulls are split open with swords, and the men keep getting impaled with arrows (their own fault really. Topless and hanging around on the edge of their ship in full view of the enemy). There is a hell of a lot of blood, spattered in every direction – its every vampire’s paradise.

I noticed the consistency of the blood – thick. Very thick, almost juicy. The CGI used for it was rather delicious, and at one point I couldn’t help wondering if this was a symbolic reference to the phrase about blood being thicker than water. Seeing as all battles taking place between the men were on water – and the blood was thick. I kind of put two and two together, you know.

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Evil Eva

Jesus, she was fantastic. Eva Green – a lovely, pretty little thing who grew some decent sized balls for the role of Artemisia. A deliciously evil look in her eye and a wardrobe to rival the likes of Lady Gaga, this woman strides onto her ship with sheer authority. She’s a bitch – and she knows it. Her contempt for Themistocles is displayed with perfection; it all comes from her booming voice, aggressive attitude and THAT look in her eyes. Her shipmates fear her, the Spartans are weary of her.. she’s practically her own god.

As she struts up and down her ship, she stares coldly at her shipmates who seem to cower under her wrath. Head up and hair blowing wildly in the wind, she stares across the water and announces war. And judging by the look in her eyes, it will be bloody..

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Eva plays the character faultlessly and with such passion, that she makes Artemisia completely her own. She is the sort of girl you see at drama school – dedicated to her work and when she gets up on stage, has a unique way of captivating the audience. And just like a drama school student delivering a piece of Shakespearean script, Eva delivers in a traditional, classical way.

Praise for Eva Green, who brought sheer talent to the screen in 300: Rise of an Empire. I certainly wouldn’t want to get on the wrong side of her. The director couldn’t have chosen a better woman. Again, it was all in the face, voice and acting – which let’s be honest.. is a good actor.

 

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Homoerotic

Lean, ripped men greased up with oil.. a tatty loin cloth hangs loose, exposing gorgeous chunky thighs. Biceps tense, deltoids bulge and pectoral muscles yearn to be touched..

Let me make one thing crystal clear – 300: Rise of an Empire is homoeroticism televised; it is every gay guy’s masturbatory dream, every straight woman’s fantasy. And by Christ, did I enjoy every fucking second.

I’m sorry, but tell me one straight man who can sit through the 300 movies without thinking how stunning the men’s bodies are. It doesn’t have to be in a “I would” sense, the guys watching it could be envious – jealous – or even inspired to start working for a better body. But I honestly think many heterosexual men out there have appreciated the bodies of the Spartans. I mean, they’re not just watching it for the delicate bloody storyline are they.

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I wonder if its possible to get that many half-naked beautiful men together in one space, and not find a bender between all of them. I pondered this as I sat watching the film last night – thousands of years ago in these times, most of the men were actually banging each other, due to lack of women (and possibly how they fancied each other) – I wondered if during filming 300: Rise of an Empire, any of the actors got ‘that’ urge..

I quote Queen Gorgo as Themistocles stands watching a yard of men wrestling, “..you’ve come a long way to stroke your cock whilst watching real men train”.

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With the dripping wet bodies, chunky thighs, very masculine postures and chests which seem to inflate the entire screen, this movie is homoerotic to the extreme. Yes ladies, double up on panties – and boys.. shove an ice-pack down there. Because 300: Rise of an Empire radiates enough steam to keep you gooey for weeks.

 

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“Please, no. No, DON’T!…”

Themistocles stands looking down at Artemisia. As she cranes her neck up at him and pouts, his nostrils flare. Something is stirring deep inside.. he grits his teeth, then yanks his loin cloth from his body. Pushing her toward the table, he slams Artermisia on her back and lifts her legs up..

Then lifting her up, Themistocles takes Artemisia over to the wall where he slams her violently into it. She lets out a moan of pleasure as he grits his teeth again, a heavy breath being pumped out of him each time he enters her. Running his tongue slowly up her neck, she reaches above her and hold on to whatever she can find to steady herself, before wrapping her legs around him and taking him in.

Every inch of him is inside her – pumping harder, harder, faster. His cock wrapped in her wet, inviting vagina. His face drips with sweat as he grins down at her, and then snaps his neck back in ecstasy as he exhales a loud moan.

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Pulling her off of his tense, sweaty smooth body, Themistocles drags her off the table and leans her against it – her back to him. His chunky thighs raise off the floor as he fucks her from behind.

Sweaty pumping, 

pounding,

dripping, 

moaning…

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..I felt wasted. In a daze. 

I don’t think I even blinked during this scene.

And I had an boner the size of the Empire fucking State Building.

As Themistocles stood towering above Artemisia, a look of rugged sexual aggression on his face, I found myself silently uttering “please, no – no. Don’t..” – with the hopes that this man (practically sex on legs) would walk away and not pursue her.

..he did.

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This scene was SMOKING HOT. And if him banging his enemy wasn’t horny enough, when they’d finished he stood up – WITH NO LOIN CLOTH ON – holding it limply by his side. Oh, we get to see his undercarriage – but unfortunately no penis. Fuck me, it was like staring into the eyes of God himself. I found myself letting out a few groans of frustration – and I hope to God no-one in the auditorium caught the look on my face..

 

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What Went Wrong

This movie wasn’t all spears, swords, and sex. Like many other cinema releases it had its flaws, though very few.

Firstly, any attempt at humour (character dropping a wisecrack or saying something which could have been funny) was lost instantly. The audience never reacted at all to these bits. There was actually a moment where Themistocles said something sarcastically witty to Artemisia, and even let out a laugh as he said it.

..complete silence from the audience.

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Another flaw would be lack of plot. Although filmed in almost the same way as its first instalment, 300: Rise of an Empire sees a handful of characters at war with each other whom – although creating a nice drama – I genuinely couldn’t give a crap about. This sequel is more of a drama than the first, but its ability to serve up issues, characters, situations the viewer couldn’t care less about was impeccable.

I just sat there letting them get on with it, lost amongst a sea of bodies and not caring either way what happened. 

 

King Xerxes – fancy some input? At some stage?

The movie opens with the introduction of a man named Xerxes – who we see embark on a journey across a desert, before bathing in an otherworldly liquid and turning into a ‘God-King’.

But although his transformation is rather fascinating – he fucks off, and is hardly seen throughout the movie. Appearing once or twice but then just remains forgotten until he pays a visit toward the end. Strange, because the poster / publicity for the movie gives the impression of this man being a vital character. He is not.

 

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Put Some Clothes On!

I kept praying the Spartans would do this throughout the entire movie – for a completely reverse reason – they were seriously making my head spin. ‘Hot under the collar’ is not the phrase to describe the situation; a fucking lightning bolt had struck my collar – burnt open my shirt and set fire to my nipples, I swear to god.

One scene sees a batch of Spartans on horseback. Sitting tall, their chunky legs drape over the side of the animal as if they are naked horse-riding. The sight of this made me groan out loud in pleasure – again – having to look around to check no-one heard.. But the boys just kept coming, kept delivering the muscle. I nearly lost control when the thought crossed my mind, “I wonder if those boys are HUNG like horses?..”

On a drier note, I noticed each and every warrior is perfectly smooth – apart from their sexy facial hair. Ancient Greece might not stock razors, but it delivered well on the waxing strips.

 

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300: Rise of an Empire is hot. In every sense. Brilliant CG-3D graphics, nice tension and some VERY sexy men. If you enjoyed the first movie, you will no doubt like this one. However, it is more dramatic than the first – meaning much of the focus goes on the dialogue of battle rather than the surreal atmosphere and special effects (think Jurassic Park with the dinosaurs being the backdrop whilst the characters clog up the screen with their personal issues, etc.).

This movie nicely complements the original, and is worth a watch if you are interested in this type of genre.

..just maybe cross your legs whenever the boys are on screen.

I wish I did, but they naturally continued to widen throughout. I was fucking soaked by the time I left.

Bastards.

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6/10

 

 

 

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This entry was posted on March 9, 2014 by .
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