Bringing you honest reviews of recent releases
What on EARTH was that?..
At first, I honestly thought the cast had made a mock movie to take the piss out of tedious horror flicks, like Scary Movie does.
A family dinner party takes a nasty turn when halfway through the meal, one of the male members is shot through the head with an arrow from outside in the garden. You may think you’re in for a rip-roaring horror treat.
You are not.
What I noticed first about this movie, is just how awful the acting is – honestly, 2 family members die within the first 20 minutes, and the father’s reaction to this is nothing short of “I buried my hamster today” (the couple sat next to me were actually laughing out loud)
You’re Next is a deadly game of Cat & Mouse which takes place solely in the family’s home. And I’m sure it would have been tense / dramatic if lines such as “I’ve never seen a dead body before” were uttered, with deadpan features.
Fast-forward through awful acting, and we’re introduced to the main female heroine – an Aussie girl, dating one of the family brothers who quickly sums up how she lived out her entire childhood, because one of the dinner guests simply asks how she is so good at setting booby-traps. Although slightly irritating, she is the best actor in the entire movie.
One scene is just awful; where one of the dinner guests decides to “do it for Mom & Dad” as she tediously prepares, and then sprints toward the front door – this part is played in slow-motion, which I can only describe as stupid – an absolute piss-take of horror movies.
Fast-forward again past the classic “I can’t get a signal on my phone” and “no one else go outside, everyone stay inside” facade, and us audience were laughed out. The characters stupid decisions and lack of common sense in such a deadly situation were awful. Oh, but wait – the Aussie heroine is hiding in the bathroom when suddenly… BEEP! BEEP! .. she receives a text.
“Mobile signal restored everyone, how fortunate was that”
The motive is revealed toward the end of the movie, which (amazingly) turns out to be instigated by one of the family members. Total inside-job.
And the end is nigh – but not before the last person is bludgeoned by the booby-trap ‘Super Aussie’ set up.. the trap swings down, surprise on the victim’s face, and BANG – You’re Next appears on the screen. No, we don’t see how the last victim meets their grisly end, but we do get a friendly reminder of the tosh we’ve been subjected to.
I would literally beg anyone I love (or hate, come to that) not to endure this movie. From the opening scenes where family members being gruesomely murdered extracts a “oh bugger, thats a shame” reaction from the father, the ‘family portrait’ on the wall (which must’ve been snapped just before they all burst into fits of laughter, given the looks on their faces), through to the lack of – sorry – fully functioning mobile signal, You’re Next is simply – AWFUL.
Avoid at all costs people.
(and if you don’t avoid, don’t pay at least. Have some self-respect)