Transformers: Age of Extinction

They’re back.
But so is something else.

The fourth movie in the Transformers series stars Mark Wahlberg as a mechanic who buys a truck, but inadvertently brings Optimus Prime bursting back to life. But there is another alien race out there who have arrived on Earth, bent on taking the Transformers down.
Humans, Transformers, Decepticons – which race will survive the impending war?..

Cast

Mark Wahlberg – Cade Yeager

Stanley Tucci – Joshua Joyce

Kelsey Grammer – Harold Attinger

Nicola Peltz – Tessa Yeager

Jack Reynor – Shane Dyson

Titus Welliver – James Savoy

Sophia Myles – Darcy Tirrel

Optimus Prime – Peter Cullen

Bumblebee – Mark Ryan

Hound – John Goodman

 

 

Rotten Tomatoes awarded this movie 17%. And I’m not surprised. Below is a snapshot of a few other people’s opinions:

Tense

..as in – I grew physically tense. The wrong sort of tense, in which a person become fidgety and tedious of everything that is going on in front of them. Transformers: Age of Extinction was just awful, from beginning to end – I honestly mean that. Bursting at the seams with cliché script, classic irritating characters you’d roll your eyes at, and ‘funny’ one-liner’s which actually brought reactions of silence from the audience, this is one movie they should have left on the cutting room floor.
..and swept into the trash.

There was nothing major that stood out about this movie, no winning elements, it just seemed to flow like any other ‘metal man monster’ action flick. Single family man struggling to raise child accidentally discovers killing machine, befriends it, and enters war with it. That’s it. And toward the end of the movie I was literally squirming in my seat, mumbling, “come oooooon, please, come on..” trying to will the feature to an end – because what started as “oh dear”, quickly became “for fuck sake”.
Transformers: Age of Extinction was one war too many, which started nicely between autobot and human, but spiralled into fights between these races, between humans themselves, and of course the Decepticons trying to finish off Transformers. It was beyond messy, ironically mirrored by the crumbling cities falling apart around the main characters.

I wanted to be won over by something – anything. Unfortunately, I sat staring at the screen during epic showdown scenes with a completely straight face. Excuse my lingo, but the movie was one of the biggest pieces of shit I have ever had to endure at the cinema.
But surely something went right?
Anything?

Anything at all?…

 

 

 

Special Effects & Graphics

The effects used during this movie were admirable, and very effective. Exploding vehicles, falling buildings, melting faces, the producers waste no time in adding a bit of bang. The Transformers are brilliantly swish, churning themselves from one form to the other – these parts happen quite quickly, so keep your eyes on the screen or you may miss it; during a few scenes I had a “how’d that car get there?.. Oh yes, it’s a Transformer” kind of reaction. It happens that fast. I’m thinking a lot of the budget went into the graphics, the movie is packed solid with swirling metal, fire explosions, sparks, etc. and it’s all very good – younger viewers will no doubt love every minute of the wonderfully colourful stuff.
And then you have the structual side; train tracks splitting in half sending the carriages hammering into the stree below, tall skyscrapers crumbling as their windows shatter, Cade and Tessa suspended high in the air between buildings..
The opening scene sees the dinosaurs running from alien attackers through sloped mountains, a scene which pulsated with clarity and crispness – nice work there.

I think it’s safe to say the audience definitely get their money’s worth with the special effects, the producers nailed it. This was the best element of the movie.

 

 

Lost Humour

I don’t think I’ve ever watched a movie with so much lost humour than Transformers: Age of Extinction. Seriously.
One-liner’s and gags were thrown around with such loose enthusiasm that they got hardly any reaction from us audience. Even when a Transformer piped up with something slick, it personally went straight over my head. The main culprit however was Lucas played by T.J. Miller who seemed to spout random wisecracks inappropriate moments, thus resulting in – yes, you guessed it – absolute silence from the audience. At one point CIA agents have guns raised at his head, as he drops a comment about handling a live bomb. “..I coulda – you know – died” he says, pulling a confused face. ..again, a quiet auditorium. It was almost embarassing to watch. Later on he is seen running through flames when he and the others are under attack, at which I think I mumbled, “just kill the bastard. Please”.

The script wasn’t the issue, it was the style of delivery. Comedic timing which was so out of synch that any jokes shared between characters were lost immediately.

Joshua, Cade and Shane are running through a tower block. Feet pounding the floor, the tension rises as the building begins crumbling around them.
Joshua’s face twists in terror as he looks down at the bomb he is holding – it has started bleeping.
A family gather in their doorway, terrified, as the three men run past.
Suddenly Joshua slows down, turns round, and faces the family..

“oh, hi kids!” he announces, with a wave.

My mouth dropped open slightly.
Fucking.. HI KIDS?!
Hi. Kids.
As in – terrifying action-packed chase scene is heating up the screen, which the main character shatters instantly by greeting two children in a wacky voice and a cartoon-like side to side bob of his head. Not only was it not funny, its irrelevant placement in the middle of an action scene yanked the dynamics down by 90%. Up until now Joshua’s character was dark, stern and scarily powerful – focused solely on his creations. Within seconds he became a bumbling pantomime character, it was just awful.
I rolled my eyes so harshly, I swear to god they ended up round by my ears.

 

 

Beauty Before Brains: A Proven Fact

Although quite hot, Tessa (Peltz) displays fantastic expertise in being as thick as greek yogurt. Some of her scenes had me either tutting or rolling my eyes (I may need to visit an optician because of this movie).
One example is where Tessa is trapped behind a car between fighting Autobots and her father; the girl does everything in her power to duck and dive about the surrounding area but without making any effort to reach her father. Like a dog chasing its tail, she makes use of all the space around her, avoids the obstacle in question, and instead jumps into the car next to her.
The car is then attacked by a Decepticon and lifted into the air – Cade (Wahlberg) pounces on it and yells at his daughter to “break the glass!” before slipping and falling to the ground below. The girl can be seen banging her fists against the car window – but can’t quite bang hard enough to break the glass. Instead, she just watches her father fall to the ground and looks around for someone else to help her.

Then of course, comes the scene where she, Shane and her father are scrambling along metal anchors high up in the air above the city between spaceship and skyscraper. The guys seem to be getting along fine. Tessa however notices the sheet of metal she is crouched on wobble slightly, and announces she’s heading back to the spaceship.

..that’s right darling – the anchor is nowhere near about to break, but you go on back to the spaceship. Metal killer dogs, Decepticons and the chance you may be catapulted into outer space.. brilliant decision.

Feisty she may be, but Tessa is more boobs than brains. The men seem to take over the controls as she sits back wondering what a control is.
As an actress, Nicola is gorgeous, but her talents are completely wasted in Transformers: Age of Extinction. I can only assume director Michael Bay stuck her in the movie as “eye candy the audience will want to take under their wing”.

 

 

 

Sexual Relief

THANK GOD for Shane, that’s all I can say. Tessa’s boyfriend jumps on to the set..

..and straight into my underpants.

I don’t know what Jack Reynor eats for breakfast, but the guy is beautiful; big puffy lips (capable of all sorts I shouldn’t imagine), wide glassy eyes, lantern jaw.. the man is sex on legs. Forget his dappy character which actually blends excellently with Tessa, Shane is the sex relief. The guy-candy (eye candy) who propels the movie forward with a delicious dynamic.
Jack Reynor is a classic example of a “he doesn’t need to do much during the film, just stand there in a leather jacket, clenching his jaw” Hollywood actor.
Bit of a muddled accent though. Jack was born in Colorado but grew up in Ireland, so has a bit of a mixed heritage – and it showed. Whenever the guy spoke, it was in full American accent before dropping into Irish. But did I give a fuck? Chiseled Chops had me salivating just looking at him – just his presence was enough.

By Christ, the amount of money he’d make in porn..

 

 

 

The Shit-Spot:

See if you can spot the Asian gentleman who sits calmly at his kitchen table as Cade smashes through the window into his apartment.
I honestly couldn’t understand it; there is a mass battle going on just outside between aliens and humans, explosions and fire bursting everywhere – and yet this gentleman is sat calmly at his table reading the newspaper. (don’t quote me on the newspaper – he may have been doing something else, but my point still stands).

Yet another thing which added to the list of ridiculousness of this movie.

 

 

 

Transformers: Age of Extinction was FUCKING AWFUL from beginning to end. I’ve honestly not had to endure an action movie like this for a long time, and I was bored senseless. The ‘switching of the butt cheeks’ took place at least seven or eight times, my hand was resting on my jaw – back to my leg – back to my jaw – pins and needles again.. back to my leg.
Are you getting the picture yet?

The CGI and other special effects in this movie were fantastic, and literally the only reason worth watching it. If you’re a fan of swish colourful graphics and cleverly constructed monsters, then you should be rather impressed.
Unfortunately the director spent his entire budget and enthusiasm on CGI and threw the rest of the movie to the dogs.
Cliché unrelatable characters I couldn’t care less about, and very unfunny script have to be the highlight of the day; dialogue and one-liner’s being delivered which flopped and fell spectacularly on their arses. Slick phrases being spoken which were lost on the audience, gags which got no laughs.. it was emabarassing to witness.
DO NOT pay to watch this movie – wait for the rental.

I would honestly rather spend three days in a prison cell than sit for three hours infront of this piece of crap again.