Delivery Man

David Wozniak is a hapless deliveryman who is in debt to local thugs, and hanging on to a rocky relationship with his girlfriend Emma.

Things aren’t going too well.

And they’re about to get a lot worse.

 

Because David is about to discover that he is the father of 533 children..

Mediocre at best. Seriously. What on God’s earth did I go to see this for? I will honestly try to point out the good aspects though.

Try..

 

 

 

The Story

 

Overall, this is one hell of an intriguing story. The whole concept of a singular man being a sperm donor in a previous part of his life – and then discovering he did rather too well – is fascinating. A kind of “no way, yes way” type thing. It could happen in real life, could it not? This is the element which makes Delivery Man intriguing and gets you thinking. What a brilliant idea for a movie.

However…

 

 

 

Do It Differently, Do Everything Differently

 

The concept, the story, the script – its all there. But the movie failed spectacularly. As I sat watching 104 minutes of Vince Vaughn skulking around, I pleaded silently for something good – anything good – to happen.

My plea was not answered. And instead, I watched miserably as this brilliant idea for a movie spiralled into nothingness. First off, the cast. Mainly – Vince Vaughn: 

I now know why many people I have met roll their eyes whenever his name is mentioned. He just doesn’t quite cut being funny does he.. talent wise, there is nothing overly striking about him, and the feeling he puts out whenever on screen is more bland than a packet of Ready Salted crisps. Whilst watching Delivery Man I neither wondered or cared about what was going to happen to him. He just shifted from scene to scene like a grey ghost. No dynamics, no energy, no fun.

And his clothes! I know his character is supposed to be a layabout, but Vince seemed to wear the exact same t-shirt and hoodie throughout the entire feature (even when he plucks up the courage to visit some of his children – no smart shirt or jacket. Just t-shirt & hoodie). Thing is, I swear I’ve seen him wear a t-shirt and hoodie throughout a few other movies he’s been in.

As well as a good change of clothes, the director seriously needed do do a few other things differently.

Switch Cobie Smulders (girlfriend Emma) with a more effervescent actress – she was one of the worst things about this movie, appearing dull and dreary at all times. Someone like Kate Hudson or Emma Stone would’ve been perfect.

Switch Vince Vaughn with a less “I used to be hilarious – at some point” actor; Bradley Cooper would’ve been splendid – the looks, the natural humour without overdoing it, plus looking at him on screen and imagining him masturbating would be a sheer delight.

Production – everything about how this movie was made; the fluidity, the cast, themes, messages, sub-plots, the way the story was told – should have been done differently.

Humour: I have never hardly laughed during a comedy. During Delivery Man I hardly laughed.

Slow Down!

The crucial story of Delivery Man was lost instantly.

At the beginning of the movie, David enters his apartment to find an attorney standing in the middle of his lounge. Not only is it completely abnormal for an employee of the legal sector to break into someone’s home, but the attorney very quickly chucks the story at David without pausing. He announces that there was a mix-up at the fertility clinic from years ago and David’s sperm was accidentally implanted in all 533 women who used it.

Bang.

That’s it.

It couldn’t have been less epic. Normally in a movie, the revelation has a few seconds build-up before the messenger drops the bombshell – the penny drops – the protagonist explodes in an either funny or emotional display. Then a “what am I going to do?!” scenario unfolds.

Sometimes this happens.

In Delivery Man, the attorney chucks the bombshell instead of dropping it – and in response, David did nothing but pretend to be a Spanish cleaner telling the attorney that the real David wasn’t home. There was a split-second conversation between the pair which may as well not have happened, it was that brief. This part of the movie should have been played out better instead of the actors rushing through it. The entire bombshell scene was just AWFUL.

 

 

Joke’s On.. Who?

Any joke muttered by a member of cast was lost instantly. There were a few points where David’s friend Brett piped up with a witty line – which got nothing but an air of silence. And then there were scenes where one of David’s children came out with something funny – but ultimately was not. The movie wasn’t all dry though – there were one or two points where the audience LOL’d. Thank God.

I honestly believe the reason the attempts at humour were lost is because of the genre of movie this is. It is an emotional concept which actually contained a lot of emotional moments between the main character and his kids. Again, Vince was completely miscast in this – he doesn’t quite nail being hilarious, and neither did the movie.

EPIC FAIL.

 

 

Unbelievable

One scene made my eyes widen in surprise.

Halfway through the movie, David ends up by accident at a meeting. A group of roughly 500 late teens or young adults – named ‘Finding Starbuck’ – who have got together to discuss their situation, and how they’re going to find their father. Yes – him. The moment David realises he is sat amongst a hall of his own children is actually rather emotional; the way he looks around at them all boasts a hint of sadness. Until of course he stands up and begins to speak..

This scene was just stupid. Not only is David the oldest person in the hall – way too old to be any of his own children – but no one seems to wonder why this much older male adult is there. Even the main speaker at the conference table asks, “yes sir? Would you like to say something?”..

None of the leaders or children wonder, question why or even react to David (the fully grown adult) being there.

Another scene sees ‘Finding Starbuck’ head out into the country to camp. David goes along with them and helps out by being chef and general handyman. Again – no one wonders who he really is. I was genuinely disappointed by all of this.

 

 

 

What Went Right?

So far, my review may be a little burning – but with good reason. However, what went right?..

The overall concept of a layabout man suddenly discovering he has over 500 children is excellent. Because it is the realisation by someone that he has changed the world and must now change himself. Creating a new life for any parent is emotional – but this man is thrown into a completely new experience. This is what makes Delivery Man more of an emotional flick than comedy; a single man’s life has changed drastically because of the new lives he created. These kids are his babies. And he has a lot to come to terms with.

Some scenes were actually quite emotional; the main one which stands out is David discovering one of his children is physically and mentally disabled and living in a care home. The bit where he whispers to the child that he is his father tugged at my heart a little. Another of his children is a drug addict, one is gay, another is a failing actor, another is a lifeguard at the local swimming pool. Finding out who each of his children were individually added to the overall emotion.

This movie is actually quite sad. It shouldn’t be funny at all.

This movie is actually quite biblical in a sense. Discovery, sacrifice, love, all play a part in making it a story which could – if steered in the right direction – be celebrated in churches worldwide. 

The only downside is 500 kids of course, not 500 loaves of bread or fish.

 

 

 

Move On

One thing that frustrated me was how the children wouldn’t let it go. Once we are introduced to the ‘Finding Starbuck’ gang, we watch as they all file a court case against David. They appear on the local news and as one of them is interviewed by a reporter, he says how disappointed he is that David won’t do the right thing, etc.

..at which point I sat there thinking, “for fuck sake, leave him alone!” – I never wanted people to get on with their lives before as much as this lot!

A few people who did manage to move on were the thugs David owes money to. Who you’d think would be main characters, suddenly vanish halfway through the movie never to be seen again. We see the thugs at the beginning of the movie threatening David – they reappear halfway through to threaten him again – and then that’s your lot. They’re gone. No explanation, as if this sub-plot never existed.

Bizarre.

This is the first disaster of a movie I have seen this year. I would urge anyone to not pay to see this – they would seriously be wasting their money. Do not even pay to rent it. It really is bottom-of-the-barrel stuff. And although the concept is superb, director Ken Scott should’ve left this alone and let a different director make something special. Sorry Mr. Scott, you fell flat on your fanny with this one.

And Vince Vaughn – are you funny? I just cannot decide…

NOTE: Delivery Man is showing at just ONE Cineworld cinema in the whole of Greater London. And I’m really not fucking surprised.

 

 

0/10