Baggage Claim
First Class? Or a complete nose-dive?..
The latter.
That was honestly down there with the likes of This Is 40 and Song For Marion as being one of the WORST movies of 2013 I’ve had the misfortune to sit through. But here we go.
Making a vow to herself to be married and settled by the time she reaches 30, Montana is on a mission to find a husband – to wed, but also so that she doesn’t have to attend her younger sister’s wedding alone. So what’s a single air hostess to do?.. jump on flights she knows potential bachelors are on so that she can woo them, of course. With the aide of her colleagues, Montana jets off on a thirty-thousand-mile journey to charm her way to securing a fiancé. But in the end, will it all be worth her effort?…
Disney Divert
Firstly, this movie was as if a teenage Disney script got lost and ended up in the hands of a horny adult movie-maker at Fox; because overall the feature is colourful and bubbly – even features a protagonist who is funny and wide-eyed, and whose grin stretches from ear to ear. But at the same time, it contains incredibly explicit sexual references. Baggage Claim would be superb as a flick for young kids, if they removed all sexy bits. Its dreamy plot and dough-eyed characters would complement Hanna Montana (relevance to this Montana by chance?) or Lindsay Lohan in a full on Disney ‘blockbuster’ – I just cannot fathom what the director was thinking. I really can’t. Was this supposed to be a rom-com with adults shagging around – or an ‘every girl’s dream, to be a Barbie-like air hostess and get married’ movie? Weird.
Casting
I was about to write something about the cast being colourful, but guaranteed I get slammed for racism; however saying that, Baggage Claim is literally an all-black cast (albeit the one white male air host). This movie would put the Cosby’s to shame I tell ye. Paula Patton is.. OK. She would suit Disney movies splendidly, with her puppy-dog eyes, barrel-tits image – but her acting quality is faultless. Jill Scott as her colleague Gail is bloody hilarious, and delivers perfect comedic timing throughout (in actual fact, I think she may be the best one in the whole film and Paula & Jill’s casting should’ve been reversed!). Its just a shame every single black male in the film was the same stereotypical “yeah blud, I got da swagger, you know what I’ talkin’ bout. Ye can shove dynamite up my ass, but its OK – I can take it.”
I have actually looked this movie up online, and have discovered its Box Office ratings & reviews are shocking (..ly bad) and I’m honestly not surprised. I was itching to get out of the cinema – you know that classic ‘one arse cheek.. other arse cheek.. blow out a huge sigh. Check the time on your phone and hope the 96 minutes will shortly be over.. sigh again’. That. I wold honestly rather dissect my own penis in slow-motion than sit through this again.
The Grand Cliché
I want to know why women (real-life OR fictional) are so obsessed with the whole “if I don’t find a husband and settle down soon, I’m gonna die” premise. All Montana could do in this movie was moan about “its always everyone else – why not me? I’m always the bridesmaid, never the bride” – “I’m gonna be single forever”.
JUST BLOODY GIVE IT A REST GIRLS! You’re clearly single for a reason, and let’s face it; the second you do commit to marriage will be the second your financial, emotional, social and cervical freedom goes straight down the pan. So just enjoy it while it lasts. Its as if females are sat on a ticking time bomb and “have to get it done by the time I’m thirty” – this cliché plot ran thickly and sickly through Baggage Claim and extracted a genuine, heart-felt “just shut the fuck up” reaction from myself.
“Ladies And Gentlemen, Please Switch Off All Mobile Phones For Take-Off”
“..but its OK for our cabin crew to be using FaceTime throughout the flight – also starting cat-fights, getting their boobs out, and flirting outrageously with male passengers.”
Scenes of the movie where Montana boarded flights in order to find a man were just shocking. One clip sees her run through Security (without being checked), hurtle toward the gate, and yank a boarding pass from a person’s hand – I just sat there, mouth hanging open thinking, “fuck me, if that happened at Stanstead..” – the stupid ‘they’d never be allowed to do that’ moments just kept coming.
The scene of the movie that stands out for me as being the worst acting ever, is when Montana sneaks into the grounds of her boyfriend’s house. As she approaches the window to spy on him, she notices another person – a woman. He kisses her neck as he removes the woman’s coat.. and reveals her pregnant belly. Of course, Montana is furious and upset at this! So how does she react?..
..with an “ahh, that’s a shame” expression which you’d see displayed on the face of a person who had just flushed their dead goldfish down the toilet. Honestly, her facial expressions and reaction were nothing short of mediocre – whereas most women would have tears streaming down their face in rage, Montana looked simply deflated at the fact her fella was having an affair and made the woman pregnant. Another reason why this should’ve been a Disney feature. The acting in this scene was horrific.
Any Good Bits?.. At All?
I will say that employees of the Aviation industry might enjoy this movie. I’m talking cabin crew, pilots and other airport staff. Due to the job of the main character and her friends, Baggage Claim is steeped in aviation references and scenarios. There was actually a row of fellow Homosexuals sat near me last night in the cinema, who laughed hysterically at “but that wasn’t even funny?” bits, and one of them even screamed – yes screamed – at the part where Montana opens a gift box to find a diamond bracelet. Needless to say, the rest of the audience laughed in a complete “ah-haha, he must be Homosexual” way.
Baggage Claim can pack its bags – honestly. As I said, its made it onto my ‘The Worst’ list of this year.
I would stick around to crack a few “this movie fell out the sky – nose down” or “fasten your safety-belt, this ride is turbulent” gags. But I can’t be bothered. In fact, I’m starting to feel slightly queasy just thinking about the film.
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