Bringing you honest reviews of recent releases
“Don’t know how many times I’ve been crossed off the list, and left for dead..”
Yes, well I wish they’d fucking finished you off properly in the first movie Mr Riddick – then we wouldn’t have to endure this gruelling piece of tat. Honestly – this movie was excruciating.
We begin with a vast golden landscape – the surface of a new planet. A winged creature swoops down toward something buried in the dust. It is a human hand. The creature begins pecking at it – and suddenly the hand grabs its neck. (this bit actually made me feel saddened, watching a cute little thing being strangled by the meaty fist of Riddick) – but anyway, we begin our movie..
Now first up, the special effects: Great. Not overly amazing – just great. The CGI used to animate the creatures of this baron planet was good, and more importantly – the setting. I think any movie set on a different planet needs to bring out the foundation of where they are; and Riddick did. Stormy fast-moving cloud, lightening, rocky horizons – they nailed it. The golden-orange colours topped the effects nicely (and would probably make a goldfish envious)
Second up, the overall story: Just awful. The first hour of the feature gives us the whole “I ‘a been walkin’ aroun’ now for three days – an’ I still don’t got no food on this planet. ..however, a previous inhabitant left ‘a bag of Gillette razors behin’ – hence why I’m a’ clean-shaven and have no facial hair at all” – think Tom Hanks in Castaway as he roams around, having little to do other than question life (he was on a baron bloody island, but even he managed to grow a beard) – the story fails to deliver any surprises, shocks or interest as Vin Diesel wanders aimlessly around, developing a relationship with some sort of zebra / dog cross-breed creature.
After this ball-numbingly hour and a bit, Riddick discovers a space station, and uses its beacon to send a signal out that he is alive. Naturally, a group of people arrive with the whole premise that they want Riddick’s “head in a box” – just when I thought the movie was picking up, this group of mercenary spend just over 20 minutes sitting on boulders, guns raised – waiting for Mr Riddick to approach them. This part completely baffled me, because they travelled all the way to a different planet, just to pitch up camp and – well – SIT. As if there was some invisible forcefield around their spaceship they couldn’t get past.
Fast-forwarding through excruciatingly boring small-talk and backchat between these cosmic clowns, and our hero (albeit murderer and convict) appears. Finally. But believe me, the story gets no more eventful. So I’m going to have to break this review down now into bullet-points:
A Different World:
Believe me when I say, if this movie had been set on the backstreets of Los Angeles or speeding across London Bridge, I’m betting quite a few of the audience would’ve walked out. The fact that Riddick‘s setting is another world is the only element that gives it some spark – I found myself appreciating the whole ‘completely new surface, new weather, new planet’ aspect – without which, would’ve made this film even more painful. Clever director – distract from the crap.
Vin Diesel – I understand your character is a murderer with a heart of rock, but its honestly as if Barry White died and was reincarnated as a vocalised boiled egg in a sexy leather vest. I understand this is how the actor speaks in general (with a bit of emphasis) but he nearly sent me to sleep. Although resonating in boring monotone, I can see it now: ‘Vin Diesel – Hushabye Mountain and Other Bedtime Soothers’
Contact Lenses & Gore:
Riddick’s eyes are cool. This is possibly the only element to him which holds any form of merit. As for the gore, now there was one scene in this which stood out – as Riddick is chained to a seat in front of his captives, he performs a slick move which sees a stonking great blade glide across the room, and slice one man’s head nicely in half. Juicy use of prosthetics here. It was mildly fun.
In a nutshell – this was possibly one of the worst movies I’ve seen at the cinema. I haven’t been this bored since Robert Patttinson gave us the tedious Cosmopolis, and I was honestly itching to get out. (I did pop to the toilet halfway through, which actually felt like I’d gone on holiday)