Bringing you honest reviews of recent releases
OK folks, I really haven’t got anything good to say about this one.
City Of Bones is extremely apt. – because I’m sure most of the auditorium had turned to dust within the first hour..
When her mother disappears, Clary Fray learns that she descends from a line of warriors who protect our world from demons. She joins forces with others like her and heads into a dangerous alternate New York called ‘Downworld’.
From a 12 year old’s perspective, its got everything you want; funky jackets, long hair and ‘the heroine falls in love with the boy she only just met’ sort of thing. Kids will be whisked away by the greasy teenage angst which seems to clog up the screen for the entire film. A sort of grown-up Harry Potter, but without the good bits, without the glorious differences – just a bunch of early-twenties demon hunters who seem to thrive on the fact they have no idea what’s going on.
Overall, City of Bones has a good skeleton – a world amongst our own that only certain people can interact with. Unfortunately, it has absolutely no organs or flesh on top of that skeleton. Its simply a bit Gothic, and uninteresting. The first half of the movie moves quickly – heck, we only just got to know the name of our female hero before she’s whisked into this grisly new world – however, the second half is what I can only describe as ‘painful’
We’ve seen it all before haven’t we; the classic back-story all heroes seem to endure:
“..Luke, Im’ you’re father”
“..Harry – Sirius Black is your godfather”
“..Percy Jackson – you actually have a vagina, sorry about that. Happens when a fish has sex with a human”
Well guess what!?…. Clary’s father is alive. And he is one of the main characters. Fuck me, we didn’t see that one coming did we!
Bring on the main quest – they need to find a special goblet, which gives enormous power (A-HEM! Harry Potter), throw in a few black-dressed baddies (A-HEM! Slytherin), and a gigantic parallel-world golden castle (A-BLOODY-HEM, Hogwarts) and we have our film.
A-HEM! I’m sorry, but I’m fed up with these teenage authors & film directors thinking they can simply melt elements of various other stories together to create their own masterpiece. And if they haven’t – then they have a serious lack of imagination. Because in the end, what we have here in Mortal Instruments is a tedious, very un-exciting car crash of Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, and Percy Jackson.
This flop of a movie is about as exciting as watching Barack Obama announce in a live press conference that he is “there for America and its people” (I.E. not very)
And if the overall story wasn’t poop enough, the movie contains ‘that classic scene’; where the lead character’s (so small you couldn’t swing a cat in – yet big enough for monsters to run freely around) flat suddenly becomes an inferno – a “beat them with frying pans” scene where the place literally explodes in flames, yet none of the neighbours below or above seem to hear or see it.
Oh – and of course. The cliché “yes, you’re father is alive. Your current father is not actually your father.. but we did it for you – to keep you safe”
I’m going to be completely honest with you readers here: I’m finding it extremely difficult to point out a good part of this movie. I really am.
So on that note..
The End. (you’ll be glad when it arrives)